two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
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I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!