Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
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I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
“our sushi is very fresh”
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
All excellent questions
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.