ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
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I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
This checks out
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”