Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
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Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Brother?
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
all that yoga finally paid off
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.