Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
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Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.