[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
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Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST