Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
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Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Me too door. Me too.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.