Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
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IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”