newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
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Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
#dalle2
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done