@jwoodham: Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don't, you still eat food and that's all that really matters.
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@Chumpstring: KIDNAPPER: [on phone] I'm holding your son for ransom. DAD: I have no money, what's the ransom? KIDNAPPER: Bring me one rich kid.
@KalvinMacleod: A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
@LionJenkins: I measure my kids' ages in terms of percent complete out of eighteen years. My kids are 22% and 38%.
@Papa_Mex: -I'm just gonna have 1 drink before dinner -I'm just gonna have 1 drink with dinner -I'm just gnna hav 1 aftdinr drk -I pishd ma pnts gen