Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
You Might Also Like
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.