@juliussharpe: Dating is basically lying to women about how you like to travel.
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@TweetPotato314: I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
@ojedge: [on a plane] Stewardess: "Would you like a mint? It'll help your ears during takeoff" Me: "Sure, can I have two?" *puts one in each ear*
@bonehugsnirony: Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
@LosLos__: And then God said: Let women have infallible memory. But technology said: And screenshots, just in casies.