Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
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dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
B