Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
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teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date鈥檚 chair before she sits down.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
The way my kids use toothpaste they鈥檒l never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
馃幎If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 馃幎
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
WHY would you be happy about this?
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Me: How鈥檚 it going?
Coworker: Can鈥檛 complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Oh no 馃槀馃槀馃挃馃槶
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.