@juliussharpe: Dating is good practice for parenting because you learn not to care when someone is crying in a restaurant.
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@ArfMeasures: CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken ME: I'll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn't gonna be a good day for you
@behindyourback: If you're afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
@hadafewbeers: Whenever someone says "I don't have a horse in that race" I respond with "You don't have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes."
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: Honey, I'm upstairs! *undresses on the run like Superman* Be right up! *stands naked in doorway* Wife: Do you remember... Pam: Hi