@juliussharpe: Dating is good practice for parenting because you learn not to care when someone is crying in a restaurant.
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@seamussaid: dude told me he did a line with Emma Watson but I know he was lying - she's British, they call them "queues"
@JaymayAllDay: I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I'm not sure, I can't make out faces so well.
@mugkip: i've always struggled spelling out "blood" with my fingers because it always comes out looking like "bbool"
@remington3000: I love Halloween because I can buy 9 bags of Snickers and everyone thinks I'm going to pass them out to kids.