@juliussharpe: Dating is good practice for parenting because you learn not to care when someone is crying in a restaurant.
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@ChaseMit: "Welcome... To Jurassic Park." "But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period--" "WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS"
@causticbob: I wrote 'DIVORCE', my wife wrote 'YES'. Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
@Hella_Rad: sometimes i cry when i chop vegetables other than onions, just so the onions don't think they're ugly or something
@mrtruthandsoul: My daughter wants a pony and my wife wants a new dishwasher, so I'm compromising and buying them a goat.