Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
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My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet