I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
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What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.