@primawesome: Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
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@WalkingOutside: I've never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
@imdaintyaf: [Dog yoga class] Teacher: Alright, let's go into downward human pose [Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
@TheMichaelRock: [at interview] Interviewer: tell me a little about yourself. Me: I'd rather not. I kinda want this job.