Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
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If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up