Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
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Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest