Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
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Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Autocorrect is my menesis
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I love snow
– People who never shovel
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time