Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
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What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
“our sushi is very fresh”
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields