Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
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if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.