DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
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I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Cashiers are always checking me out
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
You look like you would fail a DNA test
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
True statement👍😏😁
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18