DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.