Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
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Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Oh, I bet you would be
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.