Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
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*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.