@blakeshelton: I'm so drunk right now I just walked into Canadian customs and shouted "Why y'all checkin' me?! Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!"

@motrboatr: There's no toilet paper in this stall so I guess I live here now.

@ShortSleeveSuit: Basic white girl [laughing]: Yasssss omg I'm dying! Takes Everything Literally Todd [shocks her with a defibrillator]: NOT ON MY WATCH!

@buhsbaby_baby: When my dogs crawl into bed with me, I like to pretend it's because they love me and not because I am sleeping in their dog bed on the floor

@Reverend_Scott: [first date] Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]