dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
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Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Care for your back
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.