@daemonic3: [graduation] ...and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear* [crowd cries] *dad walks in holding starbucks* "traffic, my bad"

@InternetHippo: me: this MAN thinks he's ENTITLED to my time! hey buddy i don't OWE you anything!! my boss: do you…know how jobs work

@baeblacksheep: I'm shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

@murrman5: *sniffs date's hair* [later on in ambulance] "no, it's my fault for not mentioning I'm allergic to japanese cherry blossoms"

@UnfilteredMama: The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.