@FeelingEuphoric: Dating tip: Before you think he's attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think... is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
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@KateWhineHall: I'm eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it's six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I'm still better than you.
@ShaunRightNow: Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
@gojarbe: [gun goes off] [every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race] ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway