Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
You Might Also Like
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
#Caturday
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.