Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
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You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.