Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
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I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”