@TDeeRock: Dating tip: find a guy with a compatible charger.
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@XplodingUnicorn: I was working in the yard. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake. I hit it with a shovel. I'm happy to report the garden hose is dead
@blairgarner: To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, "Here, just fill this out." ?
@JaneBadall: Expecting an idiot to admit they're wrong feels a lot like trying to put socks on an octopus.
@brendohare: A nation cheers as Bigfoot is finally found. "We just yelled his name," said the head explorer. "Can't believe no one thought of that."