*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
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A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while