My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
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*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Hey i am sexy to you now
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Attacked by a mop.