@WheelTod: Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don't wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
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@POOPSCRUFFIN4U: I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
@jan_rtr: My kid is singing "Mac-n-cheese" to the tune of "Stand by Me." You guys just tried it, didn't you?
@HaramiParindey: Interviewer : What are your expectations? Me : Job. Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job? Me : Salary
@DavidAndRobShow: Bae: come over. Me: I'm doing the podcast. Bae: come over. Me: nah, I'm doin the podcast. Bae: my parents are out. Me: they can download it.