@WheelTod: Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don't wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
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@seriouslyemily: Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
@XplodingUnicorn: What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten: 1) phonics 2) writing 3) math What I actually taught her: 1) the dance to Thriller
@KeetPotato: cop: i have to give you a ticket me: [undoes button] how bout now? cop: sir me: [undoes another] how bout now? cop: sir pls get off my shirt