Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
You Might Also Like
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF