@WheelTod: Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don't wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
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@gruffybeard: Me: You're clingy & adorable. Like a koala. Her: I'm amazed you can spell koala. Me: *deletes 'how to spell coalla' from browser history*
@pharmasean: Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald's deep fryer
@Mikecanrant: Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.