“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
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boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.