DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
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recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
¯_(ツ)_/¯
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s