@jwoodham: DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
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@theshamingofjay: Cop: did you do it? Me: no Cop: you know it's truthful Tuesday right? Me: it's actually Wednesday Cop: damn it, who's your crush then
@JoshuaFlail: My Pops told me that you can't go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
@radtoria: Spider Island Day 1: The arachnids are intelligent & friendly hosts. They even built me a hammock to ensure my comfort. Day 2: I was wrong.
@fro_vo: Evil Queen: mirror- Hand Mirror: what Evil Queen: mirror- Hand Mirror: WHAT Evil Queen: on the wall Hand Mirror: oh shit sorry