@jwoodham: DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
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@MavenofHonor: I'm enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else "smells smoke" and "thinks we should leave the conference room"
@ericsshadow: [Starbucks intercom] "Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking."
@jonnysun: JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn't work for two years ME: i.. was designing my resume
@TonyWIVK: BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner. The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.