DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
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Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Cndnsd Mlk
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I have two kinds of followers
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*