DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
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It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.