Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
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I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
waiting for halloween be like:
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit