@hazelmotes1: Dating tip: if you want a girl to hold you tight, start pushing her off a cliff.
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@KyleMcDowell86: [going thru airport security] "Please turn your laptop on" *I start to stroke it's audio input* "That's not what I-' Me: No no it likes this
@FuckTyping: I don't eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I'm allergic to cats. *my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear* Cats are also cute.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.