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I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
my first day as a raccoon
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???