Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
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The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.