DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
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Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?