DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
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Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.