DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
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May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.