@koalaslament: DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you're now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
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@ruinedpicnic: parents, think twice before dressing your child as Cecil the Lion this year. my son will be dressed as a dentist, and I gave him a real gun
@jedfudally: childrens alphabet books are the only thing keeping us from forgetting what a xylophone is
@Elizasoul80: I'm gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.