waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
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“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
🤣✨#caturday
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I am patiently waiting for your email
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”