@FeelingMervis: DATING TIP: Size does matter! Tell her how big your TV is.
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@fro_vo: Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster Therapist: go on Me: oh so you're taking her side now
@turtledumplin: When a cop pulls you over, pull out a map and ask them for directions until they forget that they pulled you over. -me, right now
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: What does God smell like? Me: 4-year-old: Me: Nachos. 4-year-old: With cheese?