[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
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I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
this isn’t threatening at all
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.