Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
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My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!