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@itchyturtle: Dating tip: surprise your date by being a giraffe
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
@neledmax: You said you were only adding your 2 cents but it seems more like your life savings.
@KyleMcDowell86: [old couple feeding ducks in the park]
"Nothing could ruin this Edna"
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
@ramblinma: Husband [through locked door]: "I know you're up, I saw your instagram post."
@Breadery: Her: You're a pathological liar!
Me: ...and the King of Spain.