@itchyturtle: Dating tip: surprise your date by being a giraffe
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@amishschool: My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
@yonewt: In the movies, anyone can hotwire a car in 10 seconds. In real life, it takes me 20 minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental.
@twylaredsun: Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it's not doing its job