I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
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Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?