@FeelingMervis: DATING TIP: Surprise your date! Show up a day early.
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@valenty__: Leo: *names his child Oscar* Doctor: "Would you like to hol-" Leo: "Say it like we rehearsed it." Doctor: *sighs* "And the Oscar goes to..."
@ClaytonSykes: If you're gonna offer free milk for coffee at a convenience store, don't get all weird when I bring in a dry bowl of cereal.
@XplodingUnicorn: The fastest person on earth isn't Usain Bolt. It's any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.