Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
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“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.